I haven't used this blog in ages. I would like to assume that is because I just don't have the time like I used to, and that may be true in some aspect, but the truth is... I've merely had a lack of inspiration. That's mainly because, I can't write unless I am really thinking about something that usually brings me deep pain, sadness, or an overwhelming feeling of lack of control. Today is one of those days, years after I wrote the last post on this blog. It is to my greatest displeasure that I have returned, to be quite honest about it, but I really need an outlet to pour all of this emotion into and there is just no easy way to speak to anyone about it; I have never been the best at conveying my emotions during conversations. I have very little confidence that this will have any direct point or even sound coherent, so please, bear with me. (that is a red flag for all of you coherency critics. Go away.) As I'm sure if you are living anywhere near or on Planet Earth, you have heard about the horrible tragedy that struck a suburban area in Colorado on July 20th. I honestly wish I had never had to wake up to it. Earlier in the week, my boyfriend and I had decided to skip the midnight premiere that we were highly anticipating and chose a time frame that better fit our 8 month old son's schedule. He was visiting his Grammy for a few early hours and we were going to sneak off to the 11:10 am showing. I had to wake up early and it was nasty overcast... So I could already tell that it was a terrible day. We were already running late and I had decided I REALLY needed to clip his nails... I decided on a whim I would just sit in the back seat with him and clip them on the way. (Just so you know a person in their right mind should never do this. I never have my right mind.) Unfortunately, I accidentally over clipped and he began crying. Not just crying... Crying like he was in severe pain, like most mothers I can differentiate my son's cries. I saw blood pouring from the tip of his finger and I just lost it! I think I was crying harder than him. Scrambling for a tissue I somehow managed to find one and applied pressure to the wound... It took a very long time, but I finally managed to get the bleeding to stop well after we had arrived at Drew's parents' home. I could finally tell that the cut was at least minor, even if it took a long time to stop bleeding - not that it made me feel like I was any sort of a good mother to my son after causing him pain... So obviously my day was already a horror, and I couldn't even fathom the horror that I would be overcome with in just minutes after, when I learned of the terrible fate of these poor innocent people that just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. That place was a movie theater, and a midnight party for "The Dark Knight Rises." Seventy-Two, completely innocent people who just happened to all get lucky enough to score a ticket to a very highly anticipated movie premiere. I just wish that I didn't know them. I wish that I didn't have to know anything about these people that live many states west of me. I wish that I didn't have to read about what amazing, beautiful people they were. I wish that I didn't have to mourn the dead, who I had never met, but wouldn't have minded meeting: A six year old girl who should have seen a movie with her mommy, and then went home to cuddle under some warm covers. Men who were American heroes. Men who became heroes. Mothers. Fathers. Husbands. Someone's babies. Siblings. Aunts/Uncles. A very interesting sports blogger, who had an unfortunate run in with fate for the second time. A young man who was barely a legal adult who was ready to start college. A witty man, who just loved comics and was expecting a great birthday. A young woman, having fun with friends. I wish I didn't have to shed a tear for any of them. I wish this... Because I shouldn't. I shouldn't have known about any of these people. They should have just been another group of people, who saw a movie they were excited about and then went to their homes, unharmed. Now all of these innocent people, who were so very unique now unfortunately have to share a statistic in Colorado history, as part of the deadliest shooting in Colorado since 1999; Their blood on the hands of a 24-year old, who has honestly shown Americans, who hadn't come to the conclusion yet, that no matter how thin a criminal file is, there is no telling what capabilities lay in the hands of a seemingly innocent person. My heart breaks for them. I could never imagine in a million years what the families and friends of the victims are feeling. I can't imagine what the city is feeling. I can't imagine what the witnesses and bystanders are feeling. I won't. I don't want to. It hurts enough just to realize that these innocent people were ripped away from us. So many wonderful people that had so much to offer this cold world. My heart breaks for the families involved. There are no uplifting things to say to these people. It's hard. Impossible. There is no reason. None. This was senseless. It was a terrible horrible crime against strangers. My heart especially breaks for the family of James Holmes who had to receive this horrible call. In some ways I rejoice for the families who know that their boys saved lives of those around them. They died heroes. At least they can be proud of this. James Holmes parents will likely spend the rest of their days wondering what they did or didn't do that would have caused or prevented this tragedy. The truth is... Probably nothing. Unfortunately, parents aren't always to blame for what their children do or don't do. Personalities and strengths and weaknesses are forged through our life experiences. Honestly, I really don't know where I'm going with this. Senseless babbling. I do wish that people would stop taking this political, or using this as any argument for anything. People should have respect for people. This is most important. It could probably solve every problem in the world. Please respect these unfortunate, innocent people. Pray for them. Think of them. Write about them. Do whatever it is that you do. I pray that peace finds them soon. And as for James Holmes... he deserves nothing more than air to breathe at this moment in time. I hope he begins to talk soon. I hope our government will do what's right with him. I will leave my opinion out of this, but I believe we all really know what should happen to him. Please Heavenly Father, help these Victims. All of the Victims of James Holmes and their families/friends. Help them all find peace. Open your arms to welcome the spirits of these deceased people, Lord. I pray this of thee, help us find answers.Amen.